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I am grateful for the ways that Jesus continues to be present to me. This morning while walking to the subway station, a young girl, proudly pulling her backpack and walking behind her older brother (I assume), looked up at me and gave me most sincere and joyous smile that I have ever seen. I saw contentment and freedom written across her face. Throughout the day, she has been something of an icon. I picture that smile again in my mind and I can’t help but smile myself! What a gift!
And at church this week I’ve been enjoying rehearsals of the Clarion Music Society, an fine early music group that is using our Sanctuary to prepare excerpts from Bach’s Christmas Oratorio for a performance next Wednesday. Today I happened to walk in while they were rehearsing the alto aria, “Schlafe, mein Liebster.” Something about the music in that time and space spoke deeply to my soul. I felt loved, held with great tenderness. And as I left to run some errands afterward, the piece continued to work within me – a gentle reminder that I am indeed held in God’s loving arms, even as Jesus was held with great love and tenderness by his mother. Here’s a clip from Youtube – not the same as a live performance but a way to enjoy the beautiful music. (I found the video distracting, so I encourage you to close your eyes and enjoy!)
Schlafe, mein Liebster, genieße der Ruh,
Wache nach diesem vor aller Gedeihen!
Labe die Brust,
Empfinde die Lust,
Wo wir unser Herz erfreuen!
Sleep now, my dearest, enjoy now thy rest,
Wake on the morrow to flourish in splendor!
Lighten thy breast,
With joy be thou blest,
Where we hold our heart’s great pleasure!
My heart is very full today. I am struck by just how many places I see God-with-us; by the marvelous ways that God becomes real in our lives again.
- Through the beautiful face of a friend’s new baby and their growing family.
- Through the amazing expressions of care and love that have been shown to my pastor’s wife, Linda, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent major surgery almost 2 weeks ago. They keep a journal on the caringbridge.org website and the guestbook is an equivalent to caffeine! It is uplifting, hopeful and addicting to read! Out of pain and life-altering changes, God is present in the expressions of support that have been generously given by friends and strangers. We are all grateful for her slow recovery.
- In the beauty of the choral piece, “O magnum mysterium” set by Morten Lauridsen. I heard it in the car the other day and sat in the parking lot until it was over, moved to tears by this extraordinary setting. It gives voice to the the sublime beauty and humility that are so much a part of this season.
O magnum mysterium et admirabile sacramentum,
ut animalia viderent Dominum natum, jacentem in praesepio!
O great mystery and wonderful sacrament,
that animals should see the new-born Lord lying in a manger!
There is so much more that I wish I could say but I’ll leave a poet with the last word. This is one of my favorite Christmas hymns (it’s also arranged as a choral anthem) by Carl Schalk and Jaroslav Vajda, one of the church’s great hymnwriting teams. Have a Merry Christmas!
Before the marvel of this night
Adoring, fold your wings and bow,
Then tear the sky apart with light
And with your news the world endow.
Proclaim the birth of Christ and peace,
That fear and death and sorrow cease:
Sing peace, sing peace, sing gift of peace!
Awake the sleeping world with song,
This is the day our God has made.
Assemble here, celestial throng,
In royal splendor come arrayed.
Give earth a glimpse of heav’nly bliss,
A teasing taste of what they miss:
Sing bliss, sing bliss, sing endless bliss!
The love that we have always known,
Our constant joy and endless light,
Now to the loveless world be shown,
Now break upon its deathly night.
Into one song compress the love
That rules our universe above:
Sing love, sing love, sing God is love!
This weekend I found myself well-loved. I attended a three-day conference sponsored by the Covenant Network of Presbyterians, which is working towards a church “as just and generous as God’s grace.” It was the first time since I started working in the church 9+ years ago that I found myself around clergy who were my age. I suppose I knew that thirty-something pastors were out there somewhere but I’ve been removed from the places where they might usually gather. I also haven’t been a church conference sort of person, so maybe that explains it.
The most powerful part of our connection was that many of them are “out” as gay, lesbian or bisexual. We were able to have conversations about our ministry in the church but also shared a common experience of coming out – of having to reconcile our sexuality and our spirituality. Of course there was a healthy dose of cynicism (I’ve learned that this is essential to your sanity while working in the church) but I found them to be creative, intelligent, energetic folks who are working for a church that extends a radical welcome, has a vibrant worship life and spirituality as well as a prophetic voice in our world. I can’t exactly explain it, but the time with them brought a deep sense of wholeness and belonging. The experience also got me thinking about how formative and connected the experience of “coming out” has been to my faith journey.
I believe that I am a human being made in God’s image first…then a man…and then a follower of Christ…and then somewhere after that comes sexual orientation. I’ve never wanted sexuality to be “the” issue that frames my life. But I don’t think I would be the person that I am today without having wrestled with the Bible…without having to reexamine what I was taught as a child…without having to find spiritual family because my biological family could not come to terms with who I found myself to be…without having the rug pulled out from under me as I realized that I had built my sense of self worth on my successes and failures, on how much others liked and/or respected me…
At times it has been an anxious journey…there is no instruction book for folks who find themselves gay and Christian. But perhaps that has been one of the gifts of coming out. Through the experience, I have been forced to (or encouraged to, almost out of necessity) cultivate a discerning heart, to seek the wisdom and guidance of others who have gone before (a communion of saints, if you will) and to let go of outcomes. And when I am spiritually centered and connected to others, I am filled with hope and courage, a deep sense of freedom and overflowing joy. I feel like I can be the active, risking, dreaming person that God has made me to be. Coming out (I think it’s something that I’m always doing on some level) has been a life-affirming experience…one of growing into fullness of being rather than a devaluing or fragmentation of my person.
Last night I watched the movie The Nativity Story. It really didn’t appeal to me (a bit too glossy for my tastes) but I was struck by the phrase that the angel says each time he/she shows up: “Do not fear…” Each of the characters in the story is personally invited into the story of God-with-us and each steps beyond their fear into God’s future. Even though it overturned societal norms…even though it made the people we would least expect to hear the Good News the very first…even though the journey was full of doubts, unanswered questions, possibly even ridicule and humiliation for Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Joseph, shepherds and Wise Men…this is how God brought salvation to humankind. Such a paradox of faith.
Not to exhaust the phrase but I see a connection between the Christmas story and the “coming out” I’ve been reflecting on. All of us (gay, straight and everyone else) can hide in our closets, fearful of the Divine call because we think that implicit in that call is perfection. Perhaps we fear that we will never be able to measure up to God’s standard. (I think of Mary and Joseph)
Maybe we are sure that we are too old for God to use us? Or that our age or experience make us a liability rather than an asset? (I think of Zechariah and Elizabeth)
Or perhaps we are afraid that if we “come out” we will have to give up something certain and stable? Perhaps we will be invited into a journey whose ultimate destination we will never know? (I think of the Magi)
Perhaps we are afraid to truly love ourselves, to deeply receive and rest in our identity as beloved children of God. Perhaps we are comfortable holding onto the lies that others have told us or the half-truths that we believe about ourselves? (I think of the shepherds)
What if we are all “coming out” in one way or another? I want to believe that we are daily invited to step out of a fearful or comfortable sense of being…to transcend the labels that others have given us or we have given ourselves…to let go of outcomes…and to live into into a way of life that is dependence and rest in an infinitely loving God who wants to see us become all that we can be.
